Not Quite Heaven
by Ellcrys
Summary: The night before Raine and Laguna are to be married, Raine begins to wonder if she's doing the right thing. A conversation accidentally overheard helps her to decide.


**Not Quite Heaven**

Raine placed the last mug on the rack to dry, and used the damp towel slung over her shoulder to dry her hands. There, all done, she thought to herself as she surveyed the area behind the bar with a critical eye. The dishes were all washed, and the bottles lined up neatly, with all labels facing outward so that her patrons could see what she offered - not that they needed to. In Winhill, there were never any new faces. The people who came to Raine's pub were the same, day in and day out. Except for the Galbadian soldiers who transferred in and out on rotation, she supposed - but then, they all wore those helmets most of the time. Even when they didn't, they all just looked like "soldiers" to her, hardened and expressionless faces whether dark or fair or tanned. Between that and their unfailingly distant manner, they could all be the same person, and Raine wouldn't know the difference. 

There must be _some_ differences between them, though. Laguna had once been one of their kind, after all, though not anymore. If he'd not been injured, and instead had simply been stationed in Winhill as an assignment rather than washing up on the riverbank at random, Raine wondered if the two of them would ever have noticed each other. But he _hadn't_ come there by choice. They _had_ noticed each other. And tomorrow, they would be married. 

The thought brought a slight smile to Raine's lips. He was off at some bachelor party at the moment, as was apparently the tradition in the big cities. His friend Kiros had made all the arrangements, which traditionally involved a lot of alcohol and perhaps a cute girl or two, the way he told it. Not that Raine was the slightest bit concerned about that. Not only would Kiros have had to ship the girl in from some other town, as there were almost no young people in Winhill at all, but Laguna was far too awkward around women to try any funny business even if they _had_ hired someone. He'd probably blush and run away if she so much as took off her coat, she thought to herself with a smirk. 

Now that the work was all done, Raine thought of going upstairs for the night. She'd put Ellone to bed a few hours before, though the girl had been so excited about the following day's events that it had taken Raine forever to get her to actually stay there, so she could come down and clean up the pub. Not that it needed to be cleaned up right away, since she was leaving it closed for a few days, but she'd let the girl who helped out with the chores leave early, and there was no sense putting it off. If the dishes weren't done right away, the food would dry on them. If the floor wasn't mopped, anything that had been spilled would be harder coming off later. 

Plus, if she went to bed before she was on the verge of collapsing, she'd start thinking too hard again. 

After a moment's consideration, she pushed up her sleeves and got out a bottle of polish from beneath the bar, and set about shining the wooden surface. More work would take her mind off her worries, she thought. But unfortunately, the damage had been done. Thinking about them even for that split second was enough to imprint them firmly in her mind again. Hoping for a distraction, she took a moment to flip on the radio in the back, and the lyrics of a familiar song flickered in and out through the static. 

"...with that look on your face... as if you're never hurt, as if... never down..." 

Raine flipped the radio off once again with a sigh. That had been one of her favorite songs only a few months earlier, but now... Actually, it was funny; it had reminded her a bit of him back then. And it was no coincidence, judging from the way he'd reacted after Kiros had arrived. She'd only mentioned the name of the song, and he'd freaked out. And then, a week or so later, he'd asked her if she'd let him hear it. The look on his face as he took in the lyrics was enough to confirm her suspicions. 

Still, it wasn't as if she was jealous of Julia, she told herself, and she resumed polishing the bar with a satisfied smile as she glanced down at the metal band encircling one finger on her left hand. It was only a few weeks after that incident that he'd given her his ring - and Julia was married now, besides. It wasn't as if she was a rival or anything. As of the next afternoon, Laguna would belong to Raine, and that was that. 

So why, she wondered, was she so filled with dread? 

No, it wasn't Julia at all that was bothering her. Rather, it was what Julia represented - the life he'd left behind. He'd spoken often of his army days, and how much he enjoyed travelling with Ward and Kiros, not to mention his dream of becoming a journalist, to go wherever the road took him and write about all the things he saw. What was there to write about in a sleepy little town like Winhill? The flowers were beautiful, but one could only write about flowers for so long. She'd asked him about it, and he'd sworn up and down that all he wanted was to stay in Winhill with she and Ellone, but considering the way he talked with Kiros about the old days, and his increasing uneasiness ever since they'd become engaged... 

Raine suddenly realized she'd been polishing the same section of the bar for two or three minutes straight. Giving up, she pulled a chair away from one of the tables and sat down, her chin cupped in her hands in thought. Yes, she wanted him to stay, but was she forcing him to give up his dream? On the one hand, she loved him, and it would be flattering to think that he would even consider such a thing for her sake. On the other hand... well, she loved him, and she couldn't let him mess up his chance to fulfill that dream, not for her. The thing was, there was probably no way he would tell her even if he had decided it was a mistake. The big goof would probably just accept his fate and go through with it regardless, just to avoid hurting her. 

"Laguna, you jerk," she mumbled under her breath in frustration. "Why do you have to be so infernally _nice?_" 

As if saying his name had summoned him, she heard the sound of faint laughter through an open window, drifting in on the cool spring breeze from a little ways down the road. The clock above the bar told her that it was a quarter to one; Laguna was coming home. He'd been staying in the rooms upstairs since their engagement, which Raine quite liked. The house next door, Ellone's parents' old house, seemed so empty ever since they'd died, even though Kiros had also been staying there for the last few months, and her own house felt much safer and more lively with Laguna around. 

Yes, much more lively, she thought wryly as she heard his laughter ring out again, this time louder and closer. If he woke up Ellone, she'd make sure he was the one who had to get her to sleep again, she vowed. 

The footsteps approaching the door and muffled voices indicated that at least Kiros was with him. Probably none of the other men of the town, considering they didn't care for him much, and probably no soldiers, since they had shunned him ever since he'd decided to settle down rather than returning to the army. Probably the party would have been a bust, except that the few men left in town would take any excuse to get drunk and have a night of fun. There just wasn't much else for a young man to do in Winhill, and so Laguna's bachelor party had been the event of the year. But that didn't mean that he had any real friends there, except for Kiros. 

There was a noise outside, as if someone was clumsily working the doorknob, and then the door swung open slowly. "Hey, Raine..." a slurred but cheerful voice said. "What're you still doin' up?" 

Raine looked up at the two of them, Kiros half-carrying her fiancee as they hobbled inside. She shook her head slightly, seeing Laguna's unsteady smile. "Nothing much, just cleaning the place up," she replied. "I take it the party was a big success?" 

"Yeah, really," Laguna mumbled at the floor. "I don't think Winhill's ever seen a bash like that. Me an' Kiros showed them." 

Kiros chuckled. "Let's hope it doesn't become a common occurance, because I don't want to have to carry you home on a regular basis." 

"Hey, Ward's way bigger than me, and we carried him home sometimes," Laguna protested faintly. 

"Yeah, but there were two of us doing the carrying then," Kiros reminded him. "Half of Ward weighs less than you." 

"Oh yeah. Good point." 

Seeing the sad state Laguna was in, Raine got up and went to the table closest to the door, where Kiros still stood with Laguna's arm draped across his shoulders. "Thanks for bringing him back," she told him, pulling out a chair. "Just set him down here, and I'll take care of him." She fixed Laguna with a stern look. "...Boy, will I ever take care of him." 

"No problem," Kiros replied, lowering Laguna to the chair Raine pulled out for him. "As he was saying, we've had to carry Ward home before, so it's not as if this is something new. Like... Laguna, remember that time Ward decided he had to sample all the mixed drinks in that bar in Timber?" 

Laguna laughed, and consequently slid off the chair. "Yeah, I remember," he said from where he'd fallen, flat on his back on the floor. He shook his head when Kiros leaned over to help him up. "No point... man, I'm so wasted, I'd probably just fall off again. Wow... those were the days, huh? It's too bad Ward couldn't be here tonight, he would've had a great time." 

Even through the unsteadiness of his voice, Raine could hear a touch of disappointment. Again, she wondered if he thought he was making a huge mistake. 

"I'm not so sure that would have been a good thing," Kiros replied. "Then I'd have had to carry both of you." 

"Y'know, Kiros..." Laguna mused, pushing himself upright to a sitting position, "maybe we should go visit Ward. I know he would have wanted to be here for the wedding if his job hadn't gotten in the way." His face suddenly brightened as he turned to her. "Raine! Let's go visit Ward, okay? You're closing the bar for a few days anyway, right? Let's get out of Winhill, go visit him - I know he'd love to meet you-" 

"So you're asking your fiancee to honeymoon at a high security Galbadian prison," Kiros said dryly. "How terribly romantic." 

Laguna scratched his head self-consciously as Raine tried to hide a smirk behind her hand. "Oh... yeah. Sorry." 

"When are you not sorry? Get up off the floor, Commander - Raine doesn't need to clean up any more trash tonight." 

Laguna just grinned at his friend's comment as he accepted a hand up. Kiros said things like that all the time, but Laguna never protested, at least not seriously. Even though Raine had not known Kiros for very long, it was obvious that the dark, mysterious man was quite fond of her fiancee, and even respected him - for who knew what reason. She supposed they'd forged some sort of a bond, fighting together as they had. It probably went much deeper than the bond he'd forged with her. After all, she hadn't known him for nearly as long as Kiros had. Maybe he did have regrets... regrets he could stare with Kiros, but not her. 

The smirk threatened to slip from her face as she watched Kiros prop Laguna up in the chair again, but she forced herself to keep it in place. Even so, Kiros glanced at her curiously. "What's with the suspicious look?" 

Not the best time to bring it up. Not that she'd get another chance, but... no. "Just wondering what this rascal of mine was up to tonight. The whole night wasn't spent _just_ drinking, was it?" She eyed Laguna, who was squirming just a little, with amusement. "I hear it's traditional to have some kind of a girl at these parties, right? The trashy kind, to be specific." 

"Quite right," Kiros answered her. "But you don't have to worry, Laguna was a..." He paused, chuckling. "I guess I can't say in all honesty that he was a perfect gentleman." 

"Oh?" Raine raised an eyebrow at Laguna, who was beginning to look rather uneasy. "And what might you mean by that?" 

"Hah, just uh... guy stuff," Laguna said quickly, and Raine noticed he was blushing. "You don't want to hear it." 

What was this all about? No doubt some girl from the big city had been brought in for the occasion... a girl that would remind him of what he was giving up by staying in a plain little town like Winhill. By marrying a plain restauranteer like herself. That worried Raine far more than the fact that the girl had probably been younger and more attractive than herself. "I most certainly do want to hear about it," she told him firmly, leaning over on the table to look him in the eye. "Kiros, would you mind-" 

"Aw, Raine, it's nothing like _that_," Laguna protested, blushing harder. "I just don't wanna-" 

"Don't worry," Kiros assured Raine. "It's just that..." His voice trailed off, and he looked for all the world like he was stifling a laugh. "All the other men were very attentive, but Stella had to try a lot harder to get Prince Charming here to stop staring at the floor. So she pulled him up off the sofa, and..." This time, Kiros couldn't stifle his laughter. "You know those leg cramps he gets?" 

Despite herself, Raine felt the beginnings of a broad smile part her lips. Yes, she knew those leg cramps, and she knew full well what caused them. "Oh dear..." 

"Kiros!" Laguna protested, his face crimson. "You didn't have to tell..." 

"So you can imagine she was a little taken aback," Kiros continued, still laughing. "She started apologizing, and offered to massage it for him, and hah, you should have seen how fast he got to his feet then!" 

Laguna buried his face in his hands as Raine started laughing along with Kiros. "Nice to know I bring so much joy to everyone's life," he muttered. 

"Don't sweat it," Kiros told him, still chuckling. "You'll have enough joy to spare soon enough. Tomorrow's your big day, right?" 

Laguna didn't really answer, except with a small, nervous shrug. The look on his face was enough to stop Raine's laughter instantly -- she saw worry there, plain as anything despite the alcohol-induced haziness. No, she hadn't been simply imagining things, she was sure of it now. Something about their impending marriage was really bothering him, and she wanted to hit herself for not having asked him earlier. Well, actually, she reminded herself, she had asked him earlier. But she should have forced him to talk about it, somehow. At this point, it was almost too late. 

And yet... part of her didn't want to say a thing. She knew him well enough to know that no matter what, he wouldn't back out now. Laguna was the kind of man who would never break a promise, not if it cost him his life. And so even if he would admit to having doubts, it would be up to her to talk him out of the wedding. She knew she wasn't as generous as he was -- she'd never be strong enough to do it. She simply loved him too much... 

She didn't deserve him, she realized with a start. He'd sacrifice anything to give her everything she desired, including himself. And here she was, selfish enough to take what he offered without looking out for the desires and dreams he still had. It was quite an uneven trade; no, she didn't deserve him at all. 

Fortunately, Kiros noticed nothing of her sudden dismay, and he clapped Laguna on the shoulder. "Well, I may not be as sodden as the commander here, but I'm not entirely sober myself," he admitted. "An excellent party, if I do say so myself. And so, Miss Raine, is there someplace you'd like me to put your fiancee before I go?" 

"Ba... bathroom would be good," Laguna replied faintly, before Raine could even open her mouth to answer. "I think I... I'm gonna... uhh..." 

Kiros swore softly as he yanked Laguna to his feet so swiftly that he knocked the chair over, and Raine cringed. "Outside's much closer than the bathroom," she said quickly, going to hold the front door open as Kiros dragged his friend towards it. "For heaven's sake - I just mopped!" 

Well, that explained the worried look on his face, she thought with mild annoyance. Feeling more than a little embarrassed, she turned to Kiros, who was steadying Laguna as he doubled over. "Go on to bed, Kiros," she offered. "The big lug's my problem as of tomorrow anyway, I'll take care of him." 

"That's all right," Kiros shrugged. "I guess I'm responsible for his condition tonight, and I've got plenty of experience with it. But if it wouldn't be too much trouble, some coffee would be a big help. The stronger the better." 

"All right then, you're the expert," Raine conceded. "The pot's been turned off for the night, of course, but it shouldn't take too long to heat it up again, if I get right on it." 

"Great," Kiros muttered. "He's going to need it. Thanks a lot, Raine." 

As she went back inside to put the coffeepot back on the stove, she began to feel very silly. One little look on his face, and there she went, jumping to conclusions. If anyone had wedding jitters, it was her. Analyzing every little thing he did, every word he said, not even trusting him to tell her the truth... He could never lie to her, any more than he could have cheated on her with that girl tonight at the bachelor party. Even if he had a mind to, his body would betray him. It always did, the poor guy. Just as she'd been thinking before, she didn't deserve him. He was so childlike, innocent, completely without guile, and here she was acting suspicious. Well, even if she couldn't bring herself to trust him now, she'd spend her life trying to learn how. 

After filling the pot with water, she poured an extra cup to take out to him while the coffee brewed. He seemed to be feeling better already -- she could hear his faint voice and Kiros' stronger one through the front window. On her way to the door, she nearly tripped over the chair Kiros had knocked over in his earlier haste. 

"Man... Kiros, I'm sorry, man..." Laguna's voice came weakly. 

"Like I said before, you usually are," Kiros' voice teased him, and Raine bent over to pick up the chair and set it upright again, listening with a smile to the two of them bickering. 

"Seriously, Laguna -- what's going on? I know it's a special occasion, but you never drink enough to get this drunk. Not on purpose, anyway, but I saw the way you were tossing them down back there..." 

"Ah... well... nothing, really." 

"Getting cold feet?" 

Raine pushed the chair back up to the table, and waited for Laguna's response. When it didn't come right away, she felt that flicker of fear well up in her again. 

"...Kiros?" 

"Yes?" 

"I don't... well, lately I've been thinking... maybe I'm not doing the right thing." 

Raine froze, one hand still resting on the back of the chair. 

Kiros' response came after a brief pause. "Marrying Raine?" 

"Uhm... yeah." 

Her heart suddenly feeling as if someone had dropped a heavy weight on it, Raine set the cup of water down on the table so that she wouldn't drop it, and she edged a little closer to the door. Leaning against the wall beside the frame, she could hear every word clearly, even if she could not see the speaker. 

"Don't sweat it." There was a small sound, probably Kiros clapping him on the back. "I think it's normal to think like that the night before something like a wedding. It's an event that'll change your life forever, after all, so of course you'd start to wonder, right?" 

"Ugh, Kiros," came Laguna's mutter, "don't remind me. I still feel kinda sick." 

Raine squeezed her eyes shut, stifling a sigh that could have been frustration or guilt. Of course he wasn't ready to settle down - it's not like he was the settling down sort to begin with. Why couldn't he have just said as much to her? For that matter, why hadn't she read between the lines a little better? 

"Hmph. I hear you there." Kiros gave him a soft chuckle. "But you do love her, don't you?" 

"Yes - oh, yes." Laguna's reply was immediate, and gushing with his trademark sincerity. "I love her _so_ much, Kiros. I love her so much it scares the living daylights out of me. But..." 

Silence, as Kiros waited for him to continue. "...But?" 

"But... I've been all over this continent, and I... dunno, I've met a lot of girls..." 

"And made a fool out of yourself in front of most of them before you could do anything but meet them." 

There was a faint sound of indignant protest from Laguna's throat, but then quiet laughter. "Yeah, I'm pretty lame like that, huh?" After a moment, he fell silent, and it was a long time before he spoke again. "And... that's sort of the problem. All the other girls I've met... city girls and so on... Raine's not like any of them. She kind of reminds me of Julia, sort of, but she's not _really_ anything like Julia, not really..." 

_Of course not, Julia's a glamorous celebrity, a famous singer with a few number one hits already under her belt, who's seen the world just like he has._ It was all Raine could do to keep from furiously venting her frustrations out loud, instead of only in her head, and her fingernails dug into her palms as her fists clenched against the smooth wood panelling of the wall. _Julia's cultured and refined and beautiful, and Raine? Raine's just a bumpkin of a barmaid from a backwater little country town, who's never seen so much as Balamb. An ordinary girl with an ordinary life and an ordinary job and an ordinary daughter... damn it, damn it, damn it!_

"I didn't realize it 'till now," Laguna continued, ignorant of Raine's dismay on the other side of the wall, "but I always imagined Julia as some kind of a faerie, or an angel or something... all lit up and sparkling. That one night she invited me to her room, it was like... it was like being allowed into heaven for a few hours. I kept talking and talking and talking, because I thought if I shut up, and there was no more to say, if I couldn't say something that impressed her, I'd be revealed for the ordinary guy I am and cast out of that light..." 

"And dragged straight down into hell," Kiros finished bluntly. "Which you were, pretty much." 

"Heh, yeah." 

Raine pressed one clenched fist against her forehead, trying to organize her shattered thoughts into something coherent. Okay - facts, not emotions. So this marriage thing wasn't going to work out. Laguna wasn't a country boy, and he wasn't going to be happy with a country girl. Now that she knew for certain, the question was what to do about it. 

"But anyway," Laguna went on, "Raine's not like that. She's... real. She's like, really, really real." 

"And Julia wasn't?" 

"...Not to me." Laguna's voice was sheepish. "Like I said, I didn't realize it 'till now, that she was just this... this picture of perfect desire in my head." 

"And the reality of Raine can't measure up to that, I guess." 

Most of the people in the town wouldn't exactly be upset, considering the way they felt about outsiders, Raine thought, her mind running over the potential courses of action she could take as if it was fleeing in a panic. But cancelling a wedding on the very day it was supposed to take place? That wasn't good, no matter the circumstances. And it hurt, even if she understood. He'd hate that, he'd hate hurting her, but she couldn't let him go through with this in good conscience, not now... 

Laguna's voice managed to make its way past her worries. "Actually... it does." 

The racing thoughts were brought to a halt by his response, and Raine opened her eyes in surprise. 

"Mmm." Kiros sounded puzzled. "Then what's the problem?" 

"That is the problem," Laguna sighed. "She's not some distant goal - she's right here. She knows me, I know her... I know how wonderful she is. I guess she's not perfect, she can't be, but damned if I can figure out _how_ she isn't. She's so smart, and so fiery, and just so _cute_ - even when she's chewing me out for something... And you know, she's got plenty to chew me out for. I'm sloppy, I'm too idealistic, I'm acting first and thinking second, I'm teaching Elle bad habits..." He groaned softly. "And look at me now, puking in her front yard the night before our wedding. Some husband I'm gonna make." 

Raine's eyes closed again, this time in relief. He was so _sweet_, and even if he was as sloppy and scatterbrained as he'd confessed to being, that was what had made him so impossible to resist. Her right hand went instinctively to cover her left, fingering the smooth band he'd slipped onto her finger on that night not so long ago. Wide and heavy, it was comforting in the same way his words were. 

"Everything she ever said about me was right, you know." 

"I've told you the same things she tells you time and time again," Kiros chuckled. "You didn't believe _me_." 

A small sigh, the sound of breathy laughter. "Yeah, but you can take off anytime, you don't have to be around me anymore if I get too bad. Once Raine and I are married..." His voice trailed off, sounding much more serious, more sober. "She'll have to put up with me for the rest of my life. Makes me think, maybe I should just leave now... spare her the trouble, you know? I don't even know why she agreed to this in the first place..." 

"Because she loves you, idiot," Kiros told him in exasperation. "Heaven knows why, but she's already agreed to let you come in and permanently mess up her household, and she's not the type of woman who would agree to something like that if she didn't mean it with all her heart. If she didn't think you were worth marrying, she probably would have hit you when you offered her that ring." 

"Heh, yep. That would be like her." 

Laguna's voice was full of warmth and fondness, and grateful tears welled up in Raine's eyes as she raised her hand, pressing the cold metal of the ring against her lips. They _were_ a perfect pair, it seemed - both of them too afraid to say what they really were thinking, and too foolish to see that they felt exactly the same way. She should have known that much after the night he'd startled her half to death with the ring. 

"Seriously, Laguna." Kiros' voice grew softer, more gentle. "I may not have known her for so long, but I know you, and it's obvious how much you care about her and Ellone. Any woman would be a fool to turn that kind of devotion down - and you? You'd be a fool to walk away. What would you do anyway, go back to the army? You wouldn't be happy there; you never were. Now that you've found a life that _can_ make you happy... even if it's not the heaven you tried for back in the day, it's as close as you're going to get down here." 

"Yeah... I know, Kiros." Laguna's voice was quieter now too, but he laughed a little under his breath. "I, uh... I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else, too. Thanks." 

The two men fell silent, but Raine remained leaning against the wall by the door for a moment longer, a smile on her lips, until the burbling of the coffeepot finishing its job brought her out of her reverie. She'd completely forgotten about the coffee until it reminded her, and she went to pour it while it was still hot. 

Laguna was sagged against Kiros on the front step when she stepped out into the mild night with serving tray in hand; his arm was slung around his friend's shoulders for support, and his head hung tiredly. He raised it at the sound of her footsteps, looking up at her with bleary eyes, and accepted the cup she held out. "Thanks," he murmured, raising it to his lips as Raine handed Kiros a cup as well. He glanced at her again, slightly surprised, when he tasted it. "Mmm, more sugar than you usually put in." 

Raine's own cup hid her smirk; normally he'd dump in half the sugar bowl if she let him, which she didn't. "I can't have you drinking straight black coffee at this hour on the night before our big day, can I? You'd never get to sleep then, and then you'd be dozing off during the ceremony, and make me look bad." Besides, she thought secretly, he was just that sweet. 

On a sudden impulse, she bent over and hugged him tightly. The arm around Kiros' shoulders let go to hug her back, but he still sounded a little puzzled when he spoke. "Uhm... what's this for?" 

"Nothing really," she told him, resting her head on top of his. "I just can't wait until tomorrow." 

Laguna's sigh was almost uncharacteristically calm and content, and his arm tightened around her. "Me either." 

Kiros finished off his coffee in silence, then rose to his feet, stretching slightly. "Seeing as I'm no longer needed, I believe I'll be on my way. Unless you want me to get him up to his bed, Raine?" 

Raine shook her head, sitting down in Kiros' place. "I'll get him on his feet somehow. And thanks, by the way." 

Kiros nodded. "No trouble. No more than he usually is, anyhow," he added with a fond smile. "I'll see you two tomorrow then - good night." 

"Good night, Kiros." 

"G'night," Laguna echoed, raising a hand to half-wave at his friend, then slipping it around Raine's waist. "Oh - hey, Kiros? What you said about being dragged down into hell..." 

"Hmm?" Already halfway to the door of Ellone's old house, Kiros paused and looked back. 

"This can't be hell - the flowers are too pretty." Producing a bright yellow blossom from behind his back, Laguna tucked it behind Raine's ear with a smile. "I think we escaped." 

Raine ignored the fact that the flower had unmistakably been plucked from her own prize flowerbed, and gave her husband-to-be a kiss on the cheek. 


End file.
